I hustle. No, I hustle my ass off. Many people do not understand, but over the past several years, I have managed to work day in and day out, two jobs, 7 days a week; at times, 365 days a day a year, never coming up for air to slow down and smell the roses. Many years ago when I first separated from my wife at the time, a close friend of mine said to me it would take 3 years to get your life under control. 3 years I replied? No, he retracted..."3 years from the point you start to focus to get your life under control". He later went on to tell me how difficult it would be initially as the money I was used to living on, I would have to learn to readjust my own habits and that for the bulk of those 3 years, I would be so focused on just trying to stay afloat but if I managed to focus correctly, then at the end of those 3 years I would be good.
In hindsight, he's proven to be correct as the initial year was the hardest as my 1st inclination was to just do whatever I had to do to make myself happy for the moment...and that 1st year while I continued to be happy, proved to be a complete waste of time, energy and money as I ended my 1st year of separation asking myself a simple question...what the hell was I doing? That was December 2007 and then I sought to find a way to ground myself because a part of me had given up on a future of bliss as the life of a divorced man paying child support with 3 kids just seemed to be a life that was going to be one big never-ending circle as I continued to find myself in places that only bought temporary happiness, but nothing promising for a future.
It was then that I decided I was going to start focusing on rebuilding myself to get back in step with who I once was and return to the path of who I was to become. My one saving grace at that point was I always had the ability to control my mind and mental state and focus when necessary and over the history of my life, for some odd reason, when things seemed their hardest from outside looking in, I was always my calmest and had the uncanny ability to hold everything together and work my way out of whatever problem faced me at that point never once breaking down nor giving up. Surrender does not exist in my vocabulary.
Within 30 days of the start of my focus, I started to assess where my issues were and began putting together a mental list of everything that had to be done. Finances had to be bought under control, education had to be completed, relationships had to show growth for me to commit time, jobs had to show challenge and many things had to happen in relatively short order since my children's ages were not going to sit still while I took my time so literally I was racing against a clock I had no control over. No problem.
I knew from working for myself many years ago, that I could literally cut myself off from society, save the important things for my life, and focus on where I felt my energy was best utilized. In order to do so, I needed something daily to remind me what I was doing everything for so when I hit those moments where things seemed to be too much, I could glance or reflect and then fall back in line with my overall vision. So then, I decided to tattoo the image of my children on my arm as a daily reminder everyday for me to see and be reminded of what everything was for and why everything had to be done rather quickly. I knew it was going to be an awkward sight for many, especially me, as I've never been a big tattoo fan. But I wanted my children to know later in life what their value meant to me as a man and how no matter what, I would never abandon them nor fall back on my responsibilities towards them despite the differences their mother and I had. No matter what, they were always going to be a daily reminder to me that they were somewhere out there, yet, they were with me everywhere I went, thru relationships I would go thru, they were the ones that I had to take a chance on their life by not keeping them safe with me and their mother daily. Over the next several months when asked the question "what are you going to say when your next child asks why aren't they on your arm?", my response was always easy, "the next one will always be with me no matter what...I would not walk out of the next woman's life if I ever had another child again". It was easy for me to say since I knew what I was going to do if there was another woman based on my lessons learned from being married once before.
Because of that, I made it a point to remove myself from any possibity of attachment on a serious level until the right qualities or chemisty appeared that matched up with what was ultimately important to me. Sure, I've gone out from time to time, but overall things are pretty routine...work, work, education, gym, work, work...etc. Since the start of my focus to recover my life, my point of focus in terms of relationships with women is on a growth factor...what can I learn from this women and what qualities does she bring to me that I can line up with? Because of my daughters, I know that it's imperative that I show them a successful relationship from their father's perspective rather than impress upon them a string of failed stints. Other than a handful of friends, my children have never seen me with any woman I have been involved with to this day. I just don't believe in placing kids (at a young age) around someone just because they happen to make me happy for the moment.
Because of my difficult schedule with jobs and school, I allocate my limited free time according to what's important for me in obtaining my overall objective. Television rarely gets watched, a lot of friendships have been maintained via telephone, and I limit the amount of time allocated to repetitive dates. Oftentimes, if someone can't catch me in the car, a conversation is not going to happen. In short, I keep things moving towards the direction I'm trying to go and when I see someone trying to go in my direction, I break stride and make room for them. Otherwise...I keep things moving.
My past life has made it difficult for women today to comprehend my new direction because as before, I would make time constantly such that now when time is made, many do not understand the importance to me of my time and as such, the meaning of it is hidden. My lack of desire to constantly communicate, be available on weekends, push to see them at all times of the week often translates to them as though I'm playing the field. Even some of my close friends don't understand my committment towards regaining control of my life and view my re-directed focus as an indication something else is brewing in my life. All of these things couldn't be further from the truth especially when I continue to push the schedule that I do. Once you factor in working overnight on weekends where I typically may average a total of 8 hours of sleep from whenever I wake up Friday morning until I go to bed late Sunday evenings, then it's clear to me why my allocation of time is very important to me.
People make time for what's important to them and as such, when that person has appeared at moments in my life that lines up with a direction I'm trying to go, I have found ways to bend time to make that person a priority. For others, a one time stop for food and conversation is not too unreasonable for me. The money spent that night with the hour or so of time is often just enough for me to determine whether I need to find a way to bend time in the future for them. It's simple logic to me, the money can always be replaced, but my time can not and as such, the thought of returning for multiple 'dates' that I know can only lead in one direction is not the same level of value to me as it once was many years ago. I am more interested in the growth aspect of a woman rather than how her hips may move. Growth is hard to find, so when it's found, time is invested. Hips are easy to find, so time is not invested when it's found. Yet, somehow this is always lost in translation.
For instance, last year alone, I had no more than a total of 20 calendar days where I wasn't working for some portion of that day and the one growth person that appeared last year never grasped the concept that the very one resource that I found valuable, I was allocating towards her. Yet because I wasn't focused on the movement of her hips, in the end, I was totally misunderstood.
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