Who
am I? Where have I been? Where am I trying to go? These thoughts have plagued me over the
years…hell…decades even as I’ve attempted to grow my character from who I once
was, to who I am now as I shape myself for whom I’m to become. Bullshit…people never change…or do they? If I never changed…I’d still be that kid I
was sucking my thumb when no one was around.
But that’s not me….today…nor will it be me in the future…I don’t
think. Or at least it’s not the plan. Yet…often you hear people say….people never
change, but they really do.
On
this journey…as I grow from a boy to a man, there have been countless examples
of what to do…what not to do…what I believe…what I thought I once believed…as
well as what I hold true for what my ideal is of what I will someday be…a
man. And I’m not talking about a man just
because I reached a certain age…what I’m talking about is growing into the
character that I have always envisioned, but yet, wasn’t ready to grasp…or
refused to let a part of me go to help shape that final form…of the man that I’ve
always seen.
These
thoughts…that have grown over the years…to build me…rip me apart…and mold who I
will once become…are all bits and pieces of character….in which we all
have…inside of us. This character shapes
our vision…of past…present…and future…all the while as we live in the here and
now…is transformed right in front of us…thru friends…family…associates…even
strangers. A simple yet complicated view…of
pieces of our lives which as we grow…becomes more clear as we define ourselves. Simple?
Yes…it’s easy to think about it.
Complicated? Hell it’s harder to
execute. But…for the man that you strive
to be…what seems complicated…is very often simple, because for that man…it’s
who he is… it’s what he believes he must do..there is no other answer.
What
am I talking about? The bits and pieces
inside that form the moral fibers of a man.
The struggles we all must face.
The struggles of who we are today, what we once were yesterday, and what
we all strive to someday be. It’s this
ideal which has been a part of me in terms of when I was younger…where I am now…and
where I’m striving to be.
Who
are you I ask? What is your vision? How will you execute that vision of what you
want in relation to where you are?
Lost? Confused?
It’s simple when you think about it.
What is it you envision a man to be?
What makes up that moral fiber into his being? How does that person handle any
situation? What is it about that person
you seek, which defines for you what a man is?
This
applies to anything…for it separates the man of tomorrow from the boy that he
once was yesterday. Mind you, it’s not
one action that causes this separation; however, it’s the cumulative result of
many actions which causes this void. And
then one day, the man whom had his future vision crafted for him when he was a
boy by other unknown mentors, becomes a future mentor for unknown boys.
Confused? Shouldn’t be…it’s obvious. For instance, when I was younger and didn’t
have children, my vision of a divorced man with children was that he continued
to ensure his children were supported per child support. As I’ve grown, I’ve seen various people on
both sides of the fence in regards to whether they pay…or they avoid paying. Thus… when I had my own children…and went
thru my own divorce…as difficult as it was…and sometimes still is to part with
what could be a mortgage payment for some, no matter what…my ex has never gone
more than 5 days beyond the 1st of every month without getting support
from me. And as often as I see or hear
of people exceling financially in their own life keeping their cash in their pockets
for their own personal needs, I have opted on many occasions to go without
simply because my moral fiber of a man is just that strong in this capacity.
But
it’s not always that easy…there are some instances where my vision of that man
given a certain scenario is far from where I once was yet I’m closer today than
I have ever been in my life and in those capacities…for me, I am still not a
man based on what I perceive a man to be.
I have the role models…and although they make it seem so simple it’s far
from simple for me. I have my own demons
I struggle with but year by year, my struggle is not as hard as the last since
I’m always lining up my future vision of who I want to be with my current place
and life and doing whatever I can to make adjustments the best way I know how.
As
I said…what could be simple…can still be complex. The complexity can come from lack of
understanding, having too much pride, selfishness, or having too much machismo
to give a few examples. But that
underlying view…that moral fiber which completes the man of the future does not
lie. And as I stare at myself…and
overlay that backdrop of the vision of who I want to be…sometimes it’s like
night and day and seeing that I try and make adjustments to where I’m moving in
that direction rather than running further away.
For
me…a man will do whatever it takes to take care of his family. I have always had that view since I was
younger. Thus when I ran into my period
of struggle, I did what that man would do to ensure my family was neither in
the streets nor facing eviction. And
while many laughed at the choices I made during that time, my family ate while
I carried the pressure on my back because that is what a man would do. And to that degree only a man would
understand thus the laugher meant nothing to me as the voices were all coming
from boys…from avenues which I was walking further and further away from as I
walked towards becoming a man. As such,
my woman knows that before I will allow her to work a second job…I’ll work
three because that’s my moral fiber of a man.
So
I ask…what is your moral fiber…and do you have what it takes to be that person
or are you lying to yourself?
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