The Moral Fiber of a Man

Who am I?  Where have I been?  Where am I trying to go?  These thoughts have plagued me over the years…hell…decades even as I’ve attempted to grow my character from who I once was, to who I am now as I shape myself for whom I’m to become.  Bullshit…people never change…or do they?  If I never changed…I’d still be that kid I was sucking my thumb when no one was around.  But that’s not me….today…nor will it be me in the future…I don’t think.  Or at least it’s not the plan.  Yet…often you hear people say….people never change, but they really do.

On this journey…as I grow from a boy to a man, there have been countless examples of what to do…what not to do…what I believe…what I thought I once believed…as well as what I hold true for what my ideal is of what I will someday be…a man.  And I’m not talking about a man just because I reached a certain age…what I’m talking about is growing into the character that I have always envisioned, but yet, wasn’t ready to grasp…or refused to let a part of me go to help shape that final form…of the man that I’ve always seen.

 

These thoughts…that have grown over the years…to build me…rip me apart…and mold who I will once become…are all bits and pieces of character….in which we all have…inside of us.  This character shapes our vision…of past…present…and future…all the while as we live in the here and now…is transformed right in front of us…thru friends…family…associates…even strangers.   A simple yet complicated view…of pieces of our lives which as we grow…becomes more clear as we define ourselves.  Simple?  Yes…it’s easy to think about it.  Complicated?  Hell it’s harder to execute.  But…for the man that you strive to be…what seems complicated…is very often simple, because for that man…it’s who he is… it’s what he believes he must do..there is no other answer.

 

What am I talking about?  The bits and pieces inside that form the moral fibers of a man.  The struggles we all must face.  The struggles of who we are today, what we once were yesterday, and what we all strive to someday be.  It’s this ideal which has been a part of me in terms of when I was younger…where I am now…and where I’m striving to be. 

Who are you I ask?  What is your vision?  How will you execute that vision of what you want in relation to where you are?

Lost?  Confused?  It’s simple when you think about it.  What is it you envision a man to be?  What makes up that moral fiber into his being?  How does that person handle any situation?  What is it about that person you seek, which defines for you what a man is? 

This applies to anything…for it separates the man of tomorrow from the boy that he once was yesterday.  Mind you, it’s not one action that causes this separation; however, it’s the cumulative result of many actions which causes this void.  And then one day, the man whom had his future vision crafted for him when he was a boy by other unknown mentors, becomes a future mentor for unknown boys.

Confused?  Shouldn’t be…it’s obvious.  For instance, when I was younger and didn’t have children, my vision of a divorced man with children was that he continued to ensure his children were supported per child support.  As I’ve grown, I’ve seen various people on both sides of the fence in regards to whether they pay…or they avoid paying.  Thus… when I had my own children…and went thru my own divorce…as difficult as it was…and sometimes still is to part with what could be a mortgage payment for some, no matter what…my ex has never gone more than 5 days beyond the 1^st of every month without getting support from me.  And as often as I see or hear of people exceling financially in their own life keeping their cash in their pockets for their own personal needs, I have opted on many occasions to go without simply because my moral fiber of a man is just that strong in this capacity.

But it’s not always that easy…there are some instances where my vision of that man given a certain scenario is far from where I once was yet I’m closer today than I have ever been in my life and in those capacities…for me, I am still not a man based on what I perceive a man to be.  I have the role models…and although they make it seem so simple it’s far from simple for me.  I have my own demons I struggle with but year by year, my struggle is not as hard as the last since I’m always lining up my future vision of who I want to be with my current place and life and doing whatever I can to make adjustments the best way I know how.

As I said…what could be simple…can still be complex.   The complexity can come from lack of understanding, having too much pride, selfishness, or having too much machismo to give a few examples.  But that underlying view…that moral fiber which completes the man of the future does not lie.  And as I stare at myself…and overlay that backdrop of the vision of who I want to be…sometimes it’s like night and day and seeing that I try and make adjustments to where I’m moving in that direction rather than running further away. 

For me…a man will do whatever it takes to take care of his family.  I have always had that view since I was younger.  Thus when I ran into my period of struggle, I did what that man would do to ensure my family was neither in the streets nor facing eviction.  And while many laughed at the choices I made during that time, my family ate while I carried the pressure on my back because that is what a man would do.  And to that degree only a man would understand thus the laugher meant nothing to me as the voices were all coming from boys…from avenues which I was walking further and further away from as I walked towards becoming a man.  As such, my woman knows that before I will allow her to work a second job…I’ll work three because that’s my moral fiber of a man.

So I ask…what is your moral fiber…and do you have what it takes to be that person or are you lying to yourself? 

Do You Know Tony, or Do You Know Sean?

I'm an asshole. No, I'm a nice guy. No, wait; I'm an asshole with the potential to be a nice guy, that's it. Or, is it that I'm a nice guy with the potential to be an asshole? Fuck, I can't remember.

That's the problem with growing up at the same time in Maryland and Virginia; excuse me, Northern Virginia to be exact. This entire DMV area, formally known as the District, Maryland and Virginia area where being black has many meanings. If you live in Maryland, then people from Virginia are bamas. If you're in Virginia, then it's the people from Maryland that are bamas. Maryland and DC are cool, and Virginia is the outsider. People from Maryland can't drive, no...wait; it's the people from Virginia that can't drive or is it they both can't drive? Hell, I get confused because either way, since I'm from both, I can and can't drive and no matter how I look at things, I'm a bama because I'm supposed to have this conviction behind me of hating the other side.

Confused yet?

Spending times on both sides of the bridge, growing up I was always treated as an outsider and a bama when I went to visit my father in Northern Virginia. My father called me Tony, a deviation of my middle name. Then at the time, Richmond Highway was notorious for fighting. Coming from the "sticks" of Maryland, I was placed in many situations quickly on these various weekends I so ventured to the Virginia side of the water. And folks realized I wasn't from the "highway" and especially once they realized I was a Maryland bama, I learned quickly that I had to develop a different attitude and personality in order to "get my respect" since my only saving grace was my cousin whom people knew not to fuck with and fucking with me was fucking with him. But I couldn't walk around everywhere hoping his name carried the day and because I was a weekend visitor, I learned even quicker that when my cousin wasn't around, there was no allegiance and that friends were earned over time and since I never spent more than 2 to 3 days at a time every other weekend, the earning of friends wasn't happening the way I had anticipated it as no matter what, I remained a Maryland bama from the sticks.

It was nothing to see someone beat up in the middle of highway amongst traffic by a few of the highway boys on the weekend or someone being beaten by a bat or a chain and then 2 days later, I'm in peaceful Maryland without a care in the world. At the time, I didn't realize that the dichotomy of Sean and Tony were occurring right in front of me. Sean, the peaceful one, the person that was always thinking of others, and trusting all and Tony; the heartless one, the person always deep in thought thinking mainly of himself and trusting no one.

Overtime, it became clearer to me as I started instantly developing a different mindset once the bridge was crossed. Once in Virginia, there was no response to someone calling me Sean as everyone called me Tony so hearing the name itself was foreign to me, much the same as when I was in Maryland, how the sound of Tony was. With Tony came trouble as Tony was determined to get his way and ensure that no one stepped on him. With Sean, friends came, but always at a price…for Sean, always found a reason to care about someone else more so than himself. With Sean in your corner, the inside of my soul could be seen and a friend for life could be had. Yet, if you knew Tony, then you knew a heartless bastard. Someone that you knew if you pissed him off, an unimaginable slew of words would quickly erupt almost as though you were in the midst of a super storm as Tony would quickly remind you, he didn’t give a fuck about you and there was no way in hell you were going to walk over him or spew your nonsense his direction.

The complexities always arrive within a relationship. Real friends always knew that Sean had their best interest at heart…and even further, real friends knew that no matter what, if they had Sean in their corner, they also had a calculating heartless bastard…an asshole mind you standing right there behind Sean whom would be standing right there behind them. Confused? Tony is not going to let anyone take advantage of Sean…and Sean is going to do whatever he can to be there for his friends. So take advantage of Sean’s friends is almost as if you’re taking advantage of Sean and Tony is not going to have that, no matter what. If Sean cares, Tony is unfortunately pulled behind because the only person that Tony cares about is himself.

But as I said, the complexities always arrive within a relationship. Women that have come to know Sean have seen a underlying amount of respect, love and appreciation given to them by Sean…that is, until Sean is taken advantage of or taken for granted. Prior to that, Sean is all about them, but often times as relationships blossom that person so much appreciated starts to believe the nice person standing in front of them will always get their way with Sean no matter what…that is, until that one day arises when Tony has seen enough of their filth to finally label them with the FOS stamp. FOS, shorthand for full of shit, was derived as an indication that the woman has no regard for any real since of honesty or respect of relationship and at that point just as quickly as nice guy Sean would stand there and once listen to reason beyond reason of something that made no total amount of since, Tony will appear and swift targeted words designed to let the person know, the buck stops here, will maim with serious intention as Sean has no ability to hold Tony back. And at that point, a serious shift will enter the relationship as the nice guy, suddenly becomes the asshole.

Confused?

It’s all a part of the dichotomy of TonySean. Tony will always think of himself 1st and foremost. Respect is only shown when it’s received. Tony doesn’t care about your feelings, your friends, your family…nothing. He’s main concern is to make sure that he is not taken advantage of, disrespected, for granted, or anything along those lines. Sean…cares for everything about you, your health, your wellbeing, your family, any issues you may be going thru. If you know Sean, you have seen his soul and you know where you stand. If he considers you a friend, a true friend, or you’re his family, then you have seen his heart and know his love. If you know Tony, then you know he will respect you but he doesn’t trust you because he expects you to try and test him so he will meet you at every step of the way of whatever direction you try. Tony cares about Sean whom cares about friends, family, his car, his money and his girl. Anyone that fucks with any of those things will quickly meet Tony.

So that one day you’re standing in front of him, ask yourself do you know Tony or do you know Sean because I can assure you, you only want to know one knowing the other is standing behind him.

Totally Misunderstood

I hustle. No, I hustle my ass off. Many people do not understand, but over the past several years, I have managed to work day in and day out, two jobs, 7 days a week; at times, 365 days a day a year, never coming up for air to slow down and smell the roses. Many years ago when I first separated from my wife at the time, a close friend of mine said to me it would take 3 years to get your life under control. 3 years I replied? No, he retracted..."3 years from the point you start to focus to get your life under control". He later went on to tell me how difficult it would be initially as the money I was used to living on, I would have to learn to readjust my own habits and that for the bulk of those 3 years, I would be so focused on just trying to stay afloat but if I managed to focus correctly, then at the end of those 3 years I would be good.

In hindsight, he's proven to be correct as the initial year was the hardest as my 1st inclination was to just do whatever I had to do to make myself happy for the moment...and that 1st year while I continued to be happy, proved to be a complete waste of time, energy and money as I ended my 1st year of separation asking myself a simple question...what the hell was I doing? That was December 2007 and then I sought to find a way to ground myself because a part of me had given up on a future of bliss as the life of a divorced man paying child support with 3 kids just seemed to be a life that was going to be one big never-ending circle as I continued to find myself in places that only bought temporary happiness, but nothing promising for a future.

It was then that I decided I was going to start focusing on rebuilding myself to get back in step with who I once was and return to the path of who I was to become. My one saving grace at that point was I always had the ability to control my mind and mental state and focus when necessary and over the history of my life, for some odd reason, when things seemed their hardest from outside looking in, I was always my calmest and had the uncanny ability to hold everything together and work my way out of whatever problem faced me at that point never once breaking down nor giving up. Surrender does not exist in my vocabulary.

Within 30 days of the start of my focus, I started to assess where my issues were and began putting together a mental list of everything that had to be done. Finances had to be bought under control, education had to be completed, relationships had to show growth for me to commit time, jobs had to show challenge and many things had to happen in relatively short order since my children's ages were not going to sit still while I took my time so literally I was racing against a clock I had no control over. No problem.

I knew from working for myself many years ago, that I could literally cut myself off from society, save the important things for my life, and focus on where I felt my energy was best utilized. In order to do so, I needed something daily to remind me what I was doing everything for so when I hit those moments where things seemed to be too much, I could glance or reflect and then fall back in line with my overall vision. So then, I decided to tattoo the image of my children on my arm as a daily reminder everyday for me to see and be reminded of what everything was for and why everything had to be done rather quickly. I knew it was going to be an awkward sight for many, especially me, as I've never been a big tattoo fan. But I wanted my children to know later in life what their value meant to me as a man and how no matter what, I would never abandon them nor fall back on my responsibilities towards them despite the differences their mother and I had. No matter what, they were always going to be a daily reminder to me that they were somewhere out there, yet, they were with me everywhere I went, thru relationships I would go thru, they were the ones that I had to take a chance on their life by not keeping them safe with me and their mother daily. Over the next several months when asked the question "what are you going to say when your next child asks why aren't they on your arm?", my response was always easy, "the next one will always be with me no matter what...I would not walk out of the next woman's life if I ever had another child again". It was easy for me to say since I knew what I was going to do if there was another woman based on my lessons learned from being married once before.

Because of that, I made it a point to remove myself from any possibity of attachment on a serious level until the right qualities or chemisty appeared that matched up with what was ultimately important to me. Sure, I've gone out from time to time, but overall things are pretty routine...work, work, education, gym, work, work...etc. Since the start of my focus to recover my life, my point of focus in terms of relationships with women is on a growth factor...what can I learn from this women and what qualities does she bring to me that I can line up with? Because of my daughters, I know that it's imperative that I show them a successful relationship from their father's perspective rather than impress upon them a string of failed stints. Other than a handful of friends, my children have never seen me with any woman I have been involved with to this day. I just don't believe in placing kids (at a young age) around someone just because they happen to make me happy for the moment.

Because of my difficult schedule with jobs and school, I allocate my limited free time according to what's important for me in obtaining my overall objective. Television rarely gets watched, a lot of friendships have been maintained via telephone, and I limit the amount of time allocated to repetitive dates. Oftentimes, if someone can't catch me in the car, a conversation is not going to happen. In short, I keep things moving towards the direction I'm trying to go and when I see someone trying to go in my direction, I break stride and make room for them. Otherwise...I keep things moving.

My past life has made it difficult for women today to comprehend my new direction because as before, I would make time constantly such that now when time is made, many do not understand the importance to me of my time and as such, the meaning of it is hidden. My lack of desire to constantly communicate, be available on weekends, push to see them at all times of the week often translates to them as though I'm playing the field. Even some of my close friends don't understand my committment towards regaining control of my life and view my re-directed focus as an indication something else is brewing in my life. All of these things couldn't be further from the truth especially when I continue to push the schedule that I do. Once you factor in working overnight on weekends where I typically may average a total of 8 hours of sleep from whenever I wake up Friday morning until I go to bed late Sunday evenings, then it's clear to me why my allocation of time is very important to me.

People make time for what's important to them and as such, when that person has appeared at moments in my life that lines up with a direction I'm trying to go, I have found ways to bend time to make that person a priority. For others, a one time stop for food and conversation is not too unreasonable for me. The money spent that night with the hour or so of time is often just enough for me to determine whether I need to find a way to bend time in the future for them. It's simple logic to me, the money can always be replaced, but my time can not and as such, the thought of returning for multiple 'dates' that I know can only lead in one direction is not the same level of value to me as it once was many years ago. I am more interested in the growth aspect of a woman rather than how her hips may move. Growth is hard to find, so when it's found, time is invested. Hips are easy to find, so time is not invested when it's found. Yet, somehow this is always lost in translation.

For instance, last year alone, I had no more than a total of 20 calendar days where I wasn't working for some portion of that day and the one growth person that appeared last year never grasped the concept that the very one resource that I found valuable, I was allocating towards her. Yet because I wasn't focused on the movement of her hips, in the end, I was totally misunderstood.